Recently I have has the
I got to go there twice this week.I got to move forward as a parent onto a more resilient and patient mother...
and I really wish I could go back.
Oh lawwwdy, Why ME??
Run. Run now, far away from this post. Skip ahead to my nice ones about loving life, staying positive, and enjoying the simple pleasures of Summer..
So consider that your warning.
Read at your own risk.
The other night Hendrix and I were getting ready for bed. I decided enough was enough and that kid was going down in his crib. That's right...in the CRIB, dang it! Where babies sleep. Not wedged in their fathers armpits while hanging onto their mother's eyelashes like my kid prefers.
In order to get him to sleep in his crib I need to climb in with him.
You guys do that too, right?
Okay, don't answer that.
Anyways so in his crib we are, he nurses but he is pissed. He isn't going down with out a fight.
and squirms and screams and then screams some more.
I shush him and I'm being all sweet and cuddly and all of a sudden he gets real quiet and puts his head on my shoulder and...
ALL over my back. Its in my shirt ,my hair, I feel it slide into my shorts so it can slip it's way into my fancy pants lace undies.
But don't worry. He isn't done.
He turns and barfs down my front.
Down my bra, into my belly button, my legs are soaked and it is in between my toes.
I swear, it was like a gallon of puke dumped all over us.
That's number 1..
and now for number 2...
The following day, after a horrific night where Henry ralphed so much I started to refer to him as "Vomiteous Maximus", he seemed to turn a corner. He slept, ate, even got down with the toy box for a while.
He quit clinging to me long enough to enjoy some bouncy time.
Nicely playing in his exosaucer he was. The I heard this splish, splash, sploshing sound. Kinda like a kid jumping in puddles. I look down and Henry is splashing his lil feet in about an inch of water having a merry ole time.
So I bend down for a closer look and I say out loud I say to my happily bouncing baby...
"How did water get into the bottom of yourrrr......aggggggggggggggggggggggggg"
It isn't water.
What tipped me off?
The lovely yellow color it is tinged?
The fact that it is streaming down his legs?
The smell. The smell hit me like a brick wall.
Oh Muh Gawd, People! The smell!! What nightmares are made of I tell you.
Lifting him out of that exosaucer was a horror show. Poop was in ever crevice of of every jumping monkey and dancing dog blinky toy attached to it. Oh and then there was the little matter of cleaning up Hendrix who managed to smear poo in his hair and squish it into the chubby rolls of his arm pit.
Yea. That's my life.
This should be read to teenagers in sweaty high school gym and health classes to promote birth control. Throw it on the shelf with those awful books filled with pictures of bubbling warts and oozing what the heck is thats?
Seriously, sit in a crib with a kid throwing up an adult sized portion of sweet potato and breast milk all over ya body and abstinence will be the new epidemic.
Take that Teen Mom.