Friday, July 30, 2010

Don't read this. No, seriously.


Recently I have has the misfortune of experiencing two life altering experiences. You know those moments that define you as a person? They coax you to change and become more independent?
I got to go there twice this week.I got to move forward as a parent onto a more resilient and patient mother...

and I really wish I could go back.

Why me?

Oh lawwwdy, Why ME??

Run. Run now, far away from this post. Skip ahead to my nice ones about loving life, staying positive, and enjoying the simple pleasures of Summer..

So consider that your warning.

Read at your own risk.

The other night Hendrix and I were getting ready for bed. I decided enough was enough and that kid was going down in his crib. That's the CRIB, dang it! Where babies sleep. Not wedged in their fathers armpits while hanging onto their mother's eyelashes like my kid prefers.
In order to get him to sleep in his crib I need to climb in with him.
That's normal,right?
You guys do that too, right?
Okay, don't answer that.

Anyways so in his crib we are, he nurses but he is pissed. He isn't going down with out a fight.
He  screams.
and screams.
and squirms and screams and then screams some more.
I shush him and I'm being all sweet and cuddly and all of a sudden he gets real quiet and puts his head on my shoulder and...

ALL over my back. Its in my shirt ,my hair, I feel it slide into my shorts so it can slip it's way into my fancy pants lace undies.

But don't worry. He isn't done.
He turns and barfs down my front.
Down my bra, into my belly button, my legs are soaked and it is in between my toes.
I swear, it was like a gallon of puke dumped all over us.

That's number 1..

and now for number 2...

The following day, after a horrific night where Henry ralphed so much I started to refer to him as "Vomiteous Maximus", he seemed to turn a corner. He slept, ate, even got down with the toy box for a while.
He quit clinging to me long enough to enjoy some bouncy time.
Nicely playing in his exosaucer he was. The I heard this splish, splash, sploshing sound. Kinda like a kid jumping in puddles. I look down and Henry is splashing his lil feet in about an inch of water having a merry ole time.
So I bend down for a closer look and I say out loud I say to my happily bouncing baby...

"How did water get into the bottom of yourrrr......aggggggggggggggggggggggggg"

It isn't water.
What tipped me off?
The lovely yellow color it is tinged?
The fact that it is streaming down his legs?
Oh, No.
The smell. The smell hit me like a brick wall.

Oh Muh Gawd, People! The smell!! What nightmares are made of I tell you.

Lifting him out of that exosaucer was a horror show. Poop was in ever crevice of  of every jumping monkey and dancing dog blinky toy attached to it. Oh and then there was the little matter of cleaning up Hendrix who managed to smear poo in his hair and squish it into the chubby rolls of his arm pit.

Yea. That's my life.

This should be read to teenagers in sweaty high school gym and health classes to promote birth control. Throw it on the shelf with those awful books filled with pictures of bubbling warts and oozing what the heck is thats?
Seriously, sit in a crib with a kid throwing up an adult sized portion of sweet potato and breast milk  all over ya body and abstinence will be the new epidemic.

Take that Teen Mom.


  1. Ahahaha, oh so funny and still so crappy (literally). I am so. sorry. YUK!!!

  2. I remember when we took Jack to his first doctor's appointment, about a week after he was born I think, I decided not to bring a full fledged diaper bag since we lived about five minutes or less away. I just changed him and thought "what could REALLY happen in 20 minutes?"

    Well, we're sitting there in the waiting room and we hear a "pffllflllflft!" My initial response was to laugh because a tiny baby letting one rip? Pretty funny right? Only he didn't just fart, he opened the floodgates and let them pour all over my husbands shorts.

    It was horrible! I have since not left the house without at LEAST 3 diapers at all times.

    Then there was the incident where he pulled off his crap filled diaper in his crib and smeared it all over....but I'm barely coming out of the shock of that incident and I'd rather not talk about for fear of relapsing.

  3. 'splish, splash, sploshing sound'. The worst kind of surprise! And that smell... you speak the truth girl. Stay strong :]

  4. Hi Adriana -- thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm following you too!

    So funny, so true! Nothing like breast fed babies' yellow liquid poop! :D

    Looking forward to checking out more of your blog -- great sense of humor!


  5. You definitely earned some serious Mommy points least FIVE! Shoot, I'll throw in an extra for the smell. Six points for you!

  6. LOLLLLL....I remember those up-the-back explosions... but wow, that sounded INNNNtense girl!! I'm soooo sorry! ickkkk, you'll at least be able to embarrass him with that story to perhaps a future girlfriend, hahahaha

  7. AHahahahlashaahahah.

    I have so been there.

    And I'm sure I'll go there again.

    Ok, not the crawling into the crib part, even though you asked us not to answer, lol, but the vomit, and the poop.

    So gross. But such is the life of a Mama, right?
    And in a way, when it happens to us, rather than the Dad, I almost feel like it gives me reason to hold my head higher.

  8. First I have to say thanks for the lol moment that just happened. Oh joy... I can't wait for this... :/