Thursday, March 17, 2011

Who You Really Are

A couple weekends ago I had a quick overnight trip to NYC for work. I was there less than 24 hours which I was super nervous about since I have never left hendrix for more than a couple hours at a time. It went smoothly. Henry survived and I had a very productive and entertaining night away.

I took the train which is roughly a 3 1/2 hour trip. The outlet near my seat wasn't working and my lap top died pretty much as soon as I climbed aboard so it was just me and my headphones. Being forced to sit still and just listen to music is probably one of the best things that has happened to me in a while. 

The world moves a little too quickly for me sometimes. Ive been stuck so far into my parenting haze that its been a bit of a shock to the system to be out of it. Being alone becomes this rare opportunity. Sitting on the train just starring out the window listening to music was such a recharge. Just to lose myself in thoughts. Look for beauty in the everyday. I love discovering new worlds while speeding along the tracks. A pond filled with a hundred swans. Middle of nowhere farm houses and a backyard filled with about 50 plastic lawn chairs all perched precariously on top of one another. A deer sipping from a stream and a red balloon floating across a gray rainy sky scape. Disappearing behind trees and riding the winds current. Dip and flow. I spend so much time looking through diaper bags, checking stroller straps, and reading directions on a GPS that it's hard to be aware of my surroundings. I spend so much time behind a camera or a lap top screen writing, writing, writing about everything I think or see or do that its nice to just do NOTHING. Just stare and listen to songs I usually skip through.

also the fact that now I am writing about NOT writing is not lost on me. But it is what it is. I am what I am.

I love seeing the graffiti stream by in a blur. I couldn't help but day dream about the kids who put it there. How much talent is being overlooked in a classroom somewhere, little do they all know how much beauty that kid creates from a can of paint and his finger tips. We all have some secret hidden talent. Most of us let it go to waste. I don't want to go to waste.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would. Years ago, day dreaming about what my adult years would look like I never imagined this is where and how I would end up. Somehow it feels right. Do we ever really know whats best for us? Is this the life my parents hoped for me? Things rarely turn out how we had wished and nothing is ever as it seems.

Looking back on what I wanted maybe I was just misinterpreting it. I mean, I always wanted to excel. I wanted fashion to be apart of my life. For it all to be effortless. To create and love and design and surround myself with people that inspired. To be an inspiration myself.

a red balloon against a gray sky.

When I got pregnant my career was finally going places. I was traveling, writing, learning and moving towards goals. I wanted to be a writer. and so I became one. I started saying it out loud, over and over and the universe listened. After I had the baby I took a break. I put it all on pause. Once I made the decision to go back to work a bit it happened quickly and I'm so grateful. While things are on a much smaller scale now it is there, a stirring within me to move. Dip and flow.

Red balloon, indeed.

If my dreams all came true I would pick up my loft and move it to New York.
San Francisco.
Paris, even.
I would add a few zeros to the end of my bank account and a few more stamps in my passport but the life I have? It's a lot like the life I had always wanted and everyday I work towards achieving more goals. I look at this baby of mine and he is lovlier than any day dream I could have conjured up.
Everything else is just icing on the cake.

What kind of life did you want for yourself? Are you there?


  1. I wanted a mix of things, if I weren't going to have children I wanted my hairstylist/make-up artist career to take me anywhere there was a runway. I also was in college for fashion marketing, but then I got pregnant. If I were going to have children I wanted my focus to be them, with an amazing, supportive husband, and a huge slice of me time. So yes, I would say that for the path I chose, I am totally there. Above and beyond there. I sometimes dream about the other life I imagined for myself, it could have been really great too. I do not have an ounce of regret though, as I look into my sweet Scout's blue eyes and now watch my belly getting bigger, everything is clear that I am were I need to be.

  2. This is very thought provoking.

    Like you,I always wanted to excel. I also always dreamed and dreamed until my dreams were slowly becoming a reality. Besides developing my career as a journalist, one of my dreams was becoming a mother.

    When one came true (mother) the other one had to wait. Now my kiddo is 2 and being a journalist is finally taking its course.

    What our parents want is our happiness and that can mean anything really.

    i also believe that inspiring people are those not only who inspire thousands but even just one person. To inspire you are who you are and do what you do best. The inspiration will shine through and people will notice.

    Always keep on dreaming! =)

  3. Lovely post. I love the imagery -- I'm there with you on the train, listening to music, gazing out of the window. It sounds wonderful. And yes, so rare when you have a little one.

    I was the type that always changed my mind about what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I typically came back to writing. And that's what I'm doing -- not exactly in the way that I want to be writing, but what I'm doing now is the best situation for having a toddler and being pregnant. I definitely have dreams to get back into more creative writing, fashion writing ideally.

  4. I love this post! Like flyrish, I love the imagery. Thank you for inviting us on your journey.

    I had many dreams as a child. I imagined I'd be a writer, a singer, a dancer, an actress. As I aged, however, I singled out writing as my true ambition. Since becoming a mom, I have worked hard to reach my goal of writing professionally while staying at home with my mom, but it's hard. With little time and motivation, I have, however, been taking small steps to get through. Blogging has forced me to write more regularly and has exposed me to other writers who inspire me. So, I say all this to say that I am not "there" yet, but I'm working on it.