The Good Life

Someone learned how to lounge in the tubby.

Today is my birthday.

I began to write a post on my birthday last year and left in the draft section. This morning I reread it and was shocked at how much has changed. 26 was a rough year for me and on my 27th birthday I wrote a post that had this awful, sad undertone. The virtual version of that thing where you smile and say "I'm fine" with tears in your eyes.  Reading it again, a year later, I could feel the tightness in my throat and the watery tears sting my eyes and cling to my eyelashes. This year, I am a completely different person living a very different life. My life used to be filled with stress and today, we are stress free and headed nowhere but up. What a difference a year can make.

This a quote from last years post...

Today is my birthday. I am 27. I feel so much older. At least today I do. Most days I feel so much younger. Like in those movies when a 13 year old makes a wish and all of a sudden she is in her 30s and totally lost. How did I get here? 

I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like I am exactly where I should be. I made a very determined and exact decision last year. I knew what kind of life I wanted and I made that happen. Anything in this world is possible. I am proud of myself. My husband. My family. We were at the lowest point and made the hard climb up. Today feels not like a celebration of my birth but more of a celebration of our rebirth.

Happy Rebirth Day...

Is it me or has the blogging atmosphere changed tremendously in the last few months? I love that people are finding success through their blogs but I miss the days before sponsors and scheduled posts. What happened to just blogging what was currently inspiring you? All these posed photo shoots and contests and delicious recipes that I cant cook and crafting projects I could never come up with, it's too much for me. Everything is so perfect. Perfect instagrams and pinterests and vimeo accounts. I can't keep up.
I'm having a hard time dealing with all these internet pressures.
Truth be told MY LIFE ISNT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR PINTEREST.
and i'm okay with that.
I took Hendrix to the craft store today to buy supplies for homemade Valentines.  I wandered the aisles, grabbing doilies and googley eyes. About 20 minutes in I realized I had a cart full of pink crap but I wasn't having fun. I was majorly stressed out. I had no plan. I should have googled or downloaded an app or picked up one of those holiday themed magazines you see at the grocery checkout for crafting ideas. For a minute, I panicked. I felt inferior and incompetent and most of all, I really didn't want to let Hendrix down. He deserves pretty craft projects. He deserves a picture perfect life with home cooked meals and organized playrooms and color coded bookcases and a tidy laundry room with lots of natural light. I was spinning. There I was, Wednesday morning in Joanne Fabrics with tears in my eyes and pipe cleaners in my hands.
Then
I looked down at Hendrix with his big eyes and sugar sweet smile and chubby knuckles and thought
Fuck it.
I took him of of the cart, grabbed some plain cards, and let him run free in the sticker aisle. He picked out five sets. Fish and puppies and ice cream stickers. None of them having anything to do with Valentines day. All of them having something to do with what brings him joy.
He kept saying "Thank you so, so much Mommy, Hendrix so, so happy"
Then we came home and he colored like a mad man and stuck hamsters on top of ice cream trucks and made fishies kiss boston terriers and I thought
Pin THIS.
Life is the little things. The things you cant stick on a virtual pin board. The things that would make Martha Stewart shudder.
I am not that mother. I will always be in awe of those who can and who do and who bake and who organize and who pull it all together. But that's not me.
In this house, in my arms, my boy is loved.
It's messy, and imperfect, and it's ours.
Our unorganized, mismatched, overflowing, never on time, always in love life.

I did good today. Those valentines? They are the most beautiful I have ever seen.

dig dig dig

Hendrix loves to hide under the covers and pretend he is a polar bear in his cave. He likes to "dig,dig,dig" his way out. and i love it.

My Favorite Picture of Us

BOOM

Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got

I'm Back!

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately. I needed a moment to just live and not worry about blogging every single thing that I do. However, I'M BACK. I will be posting more later but here are a few pics Hendrix's Dada took while playing at the park. Michae also made the cutest video of Henry, you can watch it HERE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HENDRIX!

Yesterday my boy turned two!
more to come....

Telling Time With Toothpaste

 run

Dear Henry,

Lately, it feels like life is just moving super fast. It's funny cause when I first had you it felt like it stood still for a bit. I spent countless hours just starring at you. I mean that. Hours. I would hold you just so, this tiny little body, rising and falling on my chest, my breathing lulling you to sleep. The world spun around us but we stood still. In the eye of the storm, nothing but baby smell and deep breathing and your pursed lips while you slept. Sure, it was hard. The sleepless nights were rough but some of my best memories, not just from motherhood, but of my whole life were spent cradling you, my son, at 4 in the morning.

I'm rambling.

I don't know when it happened but someone pressed the play button and life was no longer on pause. We were off and running and now life moves so quickly. You never stop, work is busy, and the days move quickly. Late the other night, I dressed you in your PJ's and scooped my little boy up and we made our way to the bathroom. I grabbed your turtle toothbrush and mango orange toothpaste and said out loud without really thinking about it "we gotta buy you more toothpaste bud, this one's almost out" and it is so very silly but I was hit with a wave of sadness. This is the second tube of toothpaste you have gone through. On your own. Meaning that you have been alive long enough to use up two whole tubes and being that we only put this teeny tiny smidgen of paste each time it just seemed like a lot. How many other things had you gone through? There was a point where you hadn't even gone through a whole package of diapers or case of wipes. How many bottles of shampoo have I bought for you? Just how may times have we taken books out at the library together? Countless? That seemed so big to me. It means you have been alive so many moments that it is not even physically possible for me to store all the memories. This made me monumentally sad. I don't want to forget any of it.  I wish I could keep them all.

After that I put you to bed and I lingered long after you had dozed off. You tiny arm wrapped around my neck and your beautiful smell and your deep breaths.

God, I love you so.

I've been very inspired lately to start to really soak up life. It just feels so short and I know that this time is fleeting. I started making a list of all the things i want to do before I die. Places I want to see, experiences I hope to have, and goals I would like to reach. I'm excited to start checking them off.

I can't wait to see what you will want to add to the list.

I love you,
Mama

.

Dear Hendrix,

I posted a very sweet picture of you from a year ago on my instagram and someone made the comment that "it must be hard to watch your baby grow up".

*sigh*

It is. It so so so is. I don't know why but I couldn't get that sentence out of my head today. Maybe because your second birthday is looming up ahead. I can see it on the horizon. I'm not feeling ready for you to hit another birthday yet. It seems like just yesterday I was complaining to your father that you were turning 7 days old...a full week! I was sad to see the time where I could say "he's so and so many days old" slip from my grasp.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching you learn and propel forward at such great speed but lately I just want to pause time. I hate that I can never go back and at the same time I do not want to. I have never experienced such conflicting emotions before.

I really enjoy playing with you lately. There is a lot of give and take in our relationship and I feel like I am really getting to know you. 

You are positively fascinating, did you know that?  I love watching you.

G'night Little One,
Mama

Me 'n my Bebe

one. two. three.

Happy Birthday Sierra

Dear Sierra,

I'm sorry this is a bit late but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I remember the day you were born, I was anxious and over my own pregnancy and was so jealous that your Mama and Dada got to finally hold you. I saw pictures of you and you were just perfect. Over the last two years our families have grown together. Becoming a parent alongside your own and watching you and Hendrix form a friendship has been an amazing experience. Your Mama and Dada have become dear friends to me and I am so lucky to get to be in your lives. I look forward to years of family play dates, vacations, and  birthday parties.

At two you are a vivacious, happy little girl. Every time I see you, you amaze me with some new brilliant thing you are doing and after each play date Hendrix comes home with some new trick you have taught him. Your smile pretty much takes over your whole face. You have a big heart in that teeny body of yours and I know it will take you so many good places. I love how stubborn you are, strong willed and sure of yourself even at such a young age. Being aware of the type of girl, and someday woman, you are and holding tight to that will serve you well.

Simply, Sierra, I love you. Very much. If you ever need anything I hope that you know we are here for you. 

Happy Birthday lil Lady,
Your Auntie Adriana

Pay It Forward...

Two things:

ONE

Last night Hendrix woke SCREAMING. So hard. I scooped him up (he was next to me in his giant co sleeper I invented) and he was shaking. I MEAN SHAKING. I knew right away something was actually wrong. Even in the dark I could tell his arm was hurt. I pretty much kicked Michael awake and demanded he turn on the lights and H's whole arm was bright red and puffed up. I think it may have fallen asleep really bad and scared the crap out of him. At one point, the way he was losing it, I thought for certain he had broken it.  No joke After a few minutes he calmed down and 15 minutes later his arm had returned to normal. He was so freaked out. I have never seen my child so terrified. It was awful. He stayed snuggled up against me all night.

TWO

This morning we took a walk to the library. It was a lovely time. Hendrix was in a perfect mood and we snuggled and read and then made the butterfly puppet fly around for a good 20 minutes. We got to the front desk and had a tons of fees because I forgot to drop off a video before we left for vacation. I (oh, of course) didn't have any money on me and we couldn't check out unless I paid. So there I am trying to count change to get these books outta there since I knew H would loose it if he couldn't take his new firetruck book. I just could see our morning about to go way down hill and then all of a sudden another librarian comes over with a bunch of ones and says that the man who just walked out had paid for my fees. He was already gone so I couldn't refuse of even say Thank You.

How great is that?

Such a tiny gesture and only a few bucks outta his pocket but it totally changed the course of my whole day. I wasn't the only one happy about it. Every librarian was almost giddy over the small, kind act. Ill be paying it forward for sure.
I looked down at my son and he was playing with his book and I thought out loud

"I hope you grow up and do things like that"

and I do.
because in this big, sometimes ugly world, there is beauty and kindness and love. and strangers take care of strangers. sometimes. I hope I can show my son that.

Happy Tuesday Everyone!
Now go pay it forward.


So thanks dude wherever you are.

Dear Hendrix

Dear Hendrix,
Today we went to the park. Our morning was dragging a bit. As we sat on the ground in the playroom I said "Would you like to go to the playground?" and you jump up so very fast and shook your head YES with vigor. We threw on sandals, grabbed a backpack, and I smoothed sunscreen on your face. Careful to hit every little spot, all of those delicious curves, the tip of your ear and the curve of your knuckles, and each and every toe.

I carried you there. It is a short walk. You had on your little red glasses and your hair was pushed back by the breeze. We walked silently with your fingers in my hair and your eyes opened wide.


You never wear sunglasses. I bought you a few pairs but you've had no interest until today. They stayed on the whole way, as we passed the police officer and construction workers. You waved and pointed, hidden behind the dark shades.

When we got to the park you went under the slide and stomped you feet. I couldn't see your baby blues, all that was there was myself reflected back. Is that how you see me? Wispy bangs hanging around my eyes and sunshine on my cheeks? You made me put them on and I wondered if you were watching yourself in my eyes. We sat there under the slide, all alone, in early morning light, just reflections of ourselves in each other.

I kissed your elbows today. I don't know if I have ever kissed them before.

I love you,
Mama








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Mama

I never put up videos of Hendrix. I feel like it might be over sharing a bit. I don't know why, I guess I'm just overprotective. Anyways, here is a lil snippet of Henry saying "Mama".

For those of you who know me personally, you already know that I was a bit obsessed with hearing that word. Hendrix could say a good amount of words including "Dada" and "Brobro" (brother), as well as every animal noise EVER before he could say Mama. Then as a cruel joke he decided to start calling me "Mother" which came out like MAAAHDDDEEEERRRRRR. I pretty much gave up until one day outta the blue he just started saying MAMA.
and then I died from happiness.
So here it is.
My baby saying Mama. Calling me Mama.

When Henry was just shy of a year we were playing in the living room and I picked up his toy phone and answered it.
Hello! who is this? Oh, this is Hendrix's Mommy!
and I stopped dead in fake phone answering tracks.
Hendrix's Mommy.
I really hadn't taken a step back from mothering that small baby to contemplate the fact that someday I would introduce myself as just that. Maybe to little friends on the playground or another Mama from his preschool?
It hit me hard and I teared up and I couldn't stop smiling and I kept answering that fake phone over and over saying with a dumb grin on my face
Hi...This is Hendrix's Mommy...

It's a funny thing having a kid. You just kind of roll along a lot of the time. It's impossible to really comprehend what it means to be a parent on a daily basis cause I mean, your heart would pretty much explode. It's so huge. Then all of a sudden your laying down in bed with your kid one night and you think he's almost...soooo close to be asleep and you are preparing for the untangle his hands from your hair, roll over without him feeling, and tip toe out the door without making a sound dance you play every night when he startles awake, props himself up, leans over and places a perfect lil kiss on your lips and sighs Maaamaaaa. Down his head goes and he's asleep.

WOW

Screw you single people and your I get to sleep in and do whatever I want BS. (just kidding, i love you)

I have that word. Its all mine.

As time goes on I know the newness will fade away and I may even get sick of hearing it but right now I am lapping up every drippity drop of that sweet voice calling for me. No matter how I feel about the sound I'll always come when he calls. I'll always be just a step behind, waiting in the wings.
I'll never be far away.




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Playtime

The last week or so Hendrix has been exploding with personality. His play has taken on all these new dimensions. I am so proud. I feel like I have become really redundant on this blog. You hear the words lucky, thankful, and proud so often. I make no excuses. Get a thesaurus, you probably think. I can't help but repeat myself. This life, this parenting life, it conjures those emotions on a daily basis.

I promise this isn't another love story. I have written enough of those on here, no? I did want to share Henry's newest milestone. I'm not sure its listed on the piece of paper you get from the pediatrician but I sure think it should be.

He has become a little daddy to his animals. He has started showing this need to nurture and care for others in his personality.

I didn't push this. A while back I did buy him a boy doll but he ignored it and I'm pretty sure it's smashed at the bottom of the toy box along with a half eaten cheezit, old socks, and random utensils he has stolen from the kitchen. I was hoping that he would learn how to be empathetic and loving towards others. Bond with the plastic little baby doll and maybe even deem it worthy of being his "lovey". He wasn't into it so to the bottom of the toy box it went and on he went to smashing things, blowing bubbles, and harassing the cat. Until now, that is. He has taken to a large green frog who he diapers, dresses, feeds, and puts to bed. Really, it is the cutest. The absolute cutest. I am (uh oh here is that word again) proud to see my son be so loving at such an early age. Especially being that this game just started on its on. I didn't hand him a diaper, he randomly went and got on to put on. Same goes for the puppy PJ pants the frog wears on a regular basis.

Kindness is something we are taught. Empathy and sensitivity are a gift that our parents bestowed. I am excited to be his teacher.  Sometimes I forget how heavy this whole parenting thing is. That's a definite good thing since I would probably go insane with the pressure. I mean, we have to teach another human how to LOVE. How to be a good parent. How to CARE. How do you even do that? Lead by example I suppose. It's nice to be reminded that I am doing something right.

and I must be doing something right, cause this boy? Man, he slays me.

 Pics taken by MICHAEL



SIDE NOTE: I want to thank everyone who has been voting for me on top baby blogs. I can NOT tell you how amazing it makes me feel to know I have so much support. SO THANKS!!! XOXOXOX

and on that note...how about another vote?

Weekend To Do List

Goodness. Look at this kid. THIS KID. No more baby. Well, very little. Time is so rough on a mother isn't it? We never have enough of it and it slips by so quickly like water through our fingertips.


I haven't been doing a lot of writing lately. Not WRITING writing. The kind where I don't have an assignment or an agenda or a deadline. I have so little time lately. It feels like I can't catch up or give one single thing the attention it deserves.

Especially Hendrix. I'm making a conscience effort to pick days where I turn off. No Internet and just my boy. My house is in a constant state of mess and I really couldn't care less. I'd rather roll around on the ground with Hendrix laughing hysterically than do dishes while he whines at me feet. I know this stage will pass. The stage where I can't get anything done. Eventually it will roll into a stage where he runs to his room, slams the door, turns the music up. No longer will he want my undivided attention. I have to remind myself daily to put down the sponge and pick up the babe.

I have a crazy weekend. I piled way too much on top of an already giant mountain. I refuse to let my looming to do list foil my plans for good family time.

My to do list:
Movie night with the fam.
Make s'mores with my step son.
Family game of hide and seek.
TWO WORDS...Pokemon Monopoly!
Bubbles with the baby.
Take Henry on a bike ride around the neighborhood.
All the other crap.

Love these lil feet.

Good plan, no?






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thankyou

Its late. I swore I was going to go to bed because I have been writing since I put the baby down hours ago and my wrist is cramping and I'm so so tired and my eyes are a bit blurry but somehow I got caught up in looking at pictures of my little man and then I dunno my heart just started swelling and I had to get it out. and that was the worlds longest run on sentence. I don't care. this post isn't about perfect punctuation or the placement of a period but about how much I love my baby. How is this my life? How? How lucky am I? I ask myself that a lot. I look at his bright blue, saucer eyes, and his chubby toes, and the small of his back, and I am blown away by my life.

I have let go of my sons traumatic birth in many ways but there are moments where it smacks me in the face, the fragility of this life, and how I almost had to live without this boy. How could I ever live with out this child? 

How how how is this my LIFE?

I cant stop asking this. I don't know why I was chosen to be his mother but it makes me feel so alive, so needed, so proud and again, ill use the word, so FUCKING LUCKY.

I have hit the parenthood jackpot but then again, I guess we all have. Each of our babies made just for us. Made from us. How lucky are we?

Don't take it for granted. Remember that not all Mamas and Papas get to tuck their babies in, snuggle soft skin, or watch as the fan lifts baby curls off teeny shoulders but we do.

I DO.

I sat in a NICU about 20 months ago, after a 2 AM feeding, sobbing, rocking back and forth, crying into newborn hair, whispering the words thank you thank you thank you over and over again.

I do not forget. I am so thankful.

thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

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