Monday, January 18, 2010

My Birth Story; Part 2 of 2

I keep pushing. He isn't budging. I can't explain it but I know something is wrong. I scream in my head but I'm too exhausted to get the words out. To fight. To fight for him.
"Get him out!" I scream.
Typical mother in labor pleading they assume. But no, I know in my heart he is hurting. I can feel it. My body is on fire with his pain. The contractions take a back seat and I know my child is in danger.
Someone brings over a tray with surgical equipment on it.
"No" says the doctor. "I think she can do it."

I push. I vomit. I pass out.
A record skipping.

Again, the tray is brought to my Doctors side.

"Not yet"

"Get him out! WHY isn't he moving??"

Still just the tip of his head is emerged. I push so hard.

I could move mountains.

Part seas.

Change tides.

Mother Earth.

But I can't move him. He is stuck.
and so finally the tray is there again. and they cut me. I feel nothing. But a gush. and he is here.
I feel relief for a split second.
and then he is in the air. Being traded off to someone else.
I see him
Gray.
His arms and legs hanging.
The room is flooded with people. It is dead silent. Not a peep. No congratulations, or celebrations, or cries.

Dead Silence.

I hear a time. 12:27. Happy Birthday.
I hear another time.
They call it out
2 minutes and 11 seconds.
Starting resuscitation.

"Is he okay?" I ask. You know you are in trouble when no one will look you in the eyes. Eye contact becomes a dangerous territory. No one wants to lie to your face.
"Oh sure he is just stunned." says a nurse.
I look up at my husband who will not take his eyes off the flock of Doctors surrounding Hendrix. "Is he okay?" I beg him to answer me truthfully.
I'm not sure he hears me or who he is talking to but he repeats"he's okay" over and over and over. Convincing me? Convincing himself? Pleading with the universe?

I know he is lying.

They call it out 3 minutes and 36 seconds.

"Is he going to die?" I ask the nurse

"They are doing the best they can"

They call is out 5 minutes and 7,842 seconds.
7 Minutes and a lifetime.
8 Minutes and the rest of your life flashing before your eyes.
9 Minutes and the rest of your life without your baby flashing before your eyes.
11 Minutes and how long before they call out a time of death?

Finally someone tells me he is taking small, shallow breaths.
He can not breath enough on his own to sustain himself.
He is dying. On his own he is dead.
They are going to intubate him
But first, I can see my son. He is not making noise and he is not opening his eyes. I will only have a few seconds.

and then he is here. Inches from my face.

and I sing to him.


I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand



and there it is...


When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand


He opens then....

He knows my voice. He is looking for me. Until he heard my singing he had no reason to widen those big blues.

To expose that night sky.

Hello Ocean eyes.

My stormy sea.

My rainfall.

My furious wind.

I am Mother Earth.

We have weathered the elements together.

Away he goes. But I still feel him. Off to Intensive care. Where hours later we will meet again. I will hold his tiny hand. Kiss his teeny fingers. Caress his sweet head. Bring him to my breast. Nurse him and watch as the seconds tick tock to minutes to days and home we will go. and thus is the beginning of my journey as a mother. Where my son was healed and a healer all at once. and I went from being a girl to a women to a mother to mother earth. This is our story.

I'm not sure you could call it a fairy tale.

But it sure did have a happy ending.



For more info and newborn pictures head over to HERE

76 comments:

  1. you touched me - I'm so glad he was ok -

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  2. i can't imagine it ending any other way

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  3. Absolutely breath taking I am in tears over here. I'm so glad he was ok! You are a very strong person and I can never imagine what you went through.

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  4. having lost a child, this story touches me deeply. I know your fear - you are so strong for sharing this. I don't know if I'll stop crying - I'll have to go sit with my daughter for a while until I stop. But I am glad to have been able to read this. Thank you.

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  5. My baby was 11 weeks early so as soon as she was born they took her away and it was hours before I knew anything so I am with you and I feel like I lost out on the birth happy experience too. All that matters is our babies are healthy and safe.

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  6. Tanika Pierce - from babycenter (suthernkarmelgyrl)January 19, 2010 at 6:29 AM

    You told that story beautifully! I felt the experience with you. Thanks for allowing us to share it with you.

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  7. I am also in tears! What a beautiful story :) So glad you can begin our journey together Mother Earth and her son :)

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  8. wow i am in tears here that is a beautiful story i am sooo glad your baby is ok

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  9. absolutely amazing and beautifully written.

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  10. Such a touching story! WOW! We women are so STRONG!! There is nothing more beautiful than the birth of a child!

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  11. I'm so sorry. Makes me so sad to read. I'm glad that your voice was such a healing thing. Thank you for strengthening my faith in homebirth even more.

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  12. I loved every word! My eyes are filled. Beautiful birth story as scary as it may have felt.

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  13. I too lost a child and was right there with you while reading your story. Right in the middle of part two I grabbed my baby girl and continued reading. you truly have a gift.

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  14. Slapithigh- I actually was supposed to give birth at a birthing center but i had some complications in my 6th month of pregnancy that sent me to a hospital instead. Had I had Hendrix in the birthing center or at home(my dream scenario) he would not have made it. I credit the staff at the NICU for saving his life. I used to be sooooo anti hospital but now I am the complete opposite!

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  15. Your baby needed to be saved because of the interventions that you had at the hospital. At home you wouldn't have had those interventions thus your baby wouldn't have needed to be saved. Plus, at home you would not have been seperated from your baby. Your baby would have been able to adjust from birth while remaining skin to skin with you with his cord intact (not clamped and cut) in a homebirth. The baby continues to recieve oxygen through their cord after they are born when it isn't cut right away so that even if they can't breath yet, they can still get oxygen. Babies recover so well this way and with the touch, scent and sound of their mother (as you saw with your own proof). I bet after you process what happened more, you will see that.

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  16. oh Slapithigh- I wish that were true but sadly my babies issues were from the cord being wrapped around his neck. I do however believe that they did not get him out fast enough which would be the doc's mistake. If they hadnt cut him out of me when they did he would have def. died. I'm still a big fan of home birth...I don't want to discourage women from it by any means. I'm that one in a million the doctors all use as the example for why we should all buy into the hospital birth. I know the statistics show that home birth can be perfectly safe but It wasnt the interventions that did it.

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  17. No, cord around the neck doesn't cause any harm. Having a nuchal cord is just a variation of normal. It has been studied extensively:

    Here is some research on nuchal cords:

    From AJOG (American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology)

    CONCLUSIONS: Nuchal cord loops and tight cord do not cause significant peripartum morbidity.

    http://pt.wkhealth.com/pt/re/ajog/us...195629!8091!-1


    From Perinatal Journal:

    Conclusion: There is no significant correlation between nuchal cord entanglement and adverse perinatal outcomes. Therefore nuchal cord entanglement alone is not an indication for cesarean section.

    http://www.perinatology.org.tr/journ...ext/txt_05.asp


    From NEJM (New England Journal of Medicine)

    CONCLUSION: Nuchal cords do not influence clinical management at delivery, and neonatal primary adaption is not impaired.

    http://content.nejm.org/cgi/medline/...urcetype=HWCIT


    From AIUM (American Institute of Ultrasound in Medicine):

    Conclusions. A sonographically detected nuchal cord is not associated with important perinatal complications.

    http://www.jultrasoundmed.org/cgi/co...stract/23/1/43


    another study:

    CONCLUSION: Nuchal cord is not associated with adverse perinatal outcome.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18604054


    and yet another study with the same conclusion as above:

    CONCLUSIONS: Nuchal cord is not associated with adverse perinatal outcome. Thus, labor induction in such cases is probably unnecessary.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16374604

    I can keep going if you'd like. The studies go on and on and on. Nuchal cords do not cause any significant harm to babies, only transient issues that are easily resolved by a mother's touch, smell, sound and not cutting the cord right away. A hospital is the worst place you want to be for a nuchal cord. My second son was born in the hospital with a tight double nuchal cord and the hospital harmed him by cutting his cord and whisking him away. This was one of the reasons I chose homebirth for the next (after extensively researching nuchal cords and finding out the truth). Let me know if you'd like any more info on the topic.

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  18. Also, pitocin is a independent risk factor for having a nuchal cord so your baby might not have even had one without the pitocin. Still, there is no reason to fear a nuchal cord in the first place since they aren't harmful but just wanted to mention that intervention does sometimes cause the cord to go around the neck.

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  19. slapithigh- im def gonna read all that thanks for the info. pitocin has always made me nervous and i very much did not want any

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  20. To SlapItHigh: I am a labor and delivery nurse and I totally disagree with you. I do think home births and births at birthing centers are GREAT!! I was looking into going to a birthing center myself but it was a lot more expensive than my discount from my hospital. My son was born with a nuchal cord. He did not have any adverse reactions from it. I do see a lot of births with nuchal cords that have adverse outcomes. It is dependent on how tight the nuchal cord is. A lot of times we can tell by the fetal heart tone strip that the baby will have a cord around the neck. We will see decels that are range from moderate to severe. Usually a vaginal birth is still possible with these decels, but sometimes the best option is to get the baby out ASAP. I think it is very great that you did your research, but until you deal with these situations everyday, you don't know what really happens. Nuchal cords do cause harm and can even cause the baby to die in utero.

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  21. What a terrifying experience. I'm so glad it all turned out OK in the end. xx

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  22. You are an incredible young woman! Definitely "Mother Earth!" Your story is filled with so much emotion! So glad for your beautiful "happy ending!"

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  23. What an amazing birth story...I'm so glad he was okay! I, too, was given pitocin and it made his heart rate drop drastically. I thought I was going to loose him, scariest moment of our lives.

    I have yet to read a birth story as beautifully written as this.

    love, love, love.

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  24. Wow I didn't see that coming! Amazingly told by you Mother Earth! I had a 27weeker due to Pre Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome and my baby was in NICU for 2months. I wasn't awake when she was born so didn't live through the silence of when she was born but I had times in NICU where it felt similar. Home birth, hospital birth, birthing center what ever you choose it just has to be right for you and right for your baby. I honestly would never have a baby outside of a hospital but that is because I trust medicine and the providers that look after us. I educate myself as much as I can and I become an advocate for myself and my child.
    Thank you again for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I am so glad you did. I can't wait to read more of your blog now. Love love love your writing style.
    Fiona x

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  25. What a BEAUTIFUL story!! Thanks for linking to it on my blog... I think that's where I found this :)

    Wow, what a story! I've never read one as intense or as poetic! Thanks for sharing!

    Also, to the commenter pro-homebirth... Nothing against their views but really why argue about it? Your baby is safe and healthy and I'm sometimes women need interventions... sometimes, it's just true, and who are us bystanders to tell you if yours were necessary or not?

    Again, thanks for sharing! :)

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  26. As scary as your story was you made it sound beautiful- as any birth can be. Thanks for sharing.

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  27. I am so glad he is ok. My daughter was 10 weeks early and was blue/grey when she came out and i did not get to see her for 3 hours after they took her away. It was the longest time of my life. I wanted the perfect labor and got nothing but disappointment. I am glad you told your story and hope it helps others realize that not all labors and deliveries are perfect.

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  28. I lost my baby a couple of weeks ago. I had a miscarriage. I only knew that I was pregnant for a week before I lost it and it is one of the most devastating things I have ever gone through. I can't imagine feeling as though I was going to lose the one I had known for nine months already. You are so brave, and thank you for this story. Your words are amazing and you touched me - a total stranger - more than you know.

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  29. Your story is so touching. And so well written. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  30. Oh my god, I couldn't stop crying. I was there, I felt it, I felt how you felt. Different but the same. My son got stuck also, they wouldn't do anything he finally came out but was fine. I'm so glad your baby was okay. I lost a child, I was two months along, I got pregnant with my son four months later. Majorly High Risk. You're story really touched me! SO MUCH!

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  31. I'm crying. Thank God he's ok! He's something special and so are you! Thanks for stopping by today, and (in responce to the commnet you left me) don't let anyone rush you. Take all the time you need! Most of the opinions you get aren't from anyone that knows what you've gone through. Don't live in the past, but do cherish the present.

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  32. Thank the Lord this had a happy ending.

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  33. This is beautiful!!! It takes me back to my sons birth though it was very different, some of the feelings are the same. You are a wonderful writer, I am glad he is healthy and OK. Thank goodness for a great NICU staff, they are irreplaceable!

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  34. Awww... Congrats! I am off to check out the pics.

    Stopping by from SITS.

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  35. Wow! What an incredible experience! Your writing is very powerful. I felt like I was going through your ups and downs with you. So nice to meet you on your SITS day. :)

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  36. This is absolutely beautiful. I cried through the whole thing!

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  37. I'm glad everything turned out okay for you and your baby boy. Miracles do happen.

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  38. He is beautiful and I am crying...you writing is amazing!

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  39. Bless you for posting this! It is absolutely wonderful writing.

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  40. I remember that feeling and feel sick. And your beautiful Hendrix now? I hope everything is well.

    LisaDay

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  41. Stunning. So scary. In a heartbeat I am back almost 27 years ago when my son, Michael, was a merconium baby...no sound. Nothing. I knew it was not good. Then, all hell breaks loose & I am in what feels like a bad TV medical show. Thankfully, he was OK after 9 days in a neo-natal ICU in NYC (had he not been there, he would not have survived). Thank you for telling your story. Great pictures of your beautiful boy!
    Best,
    Colleen

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  42. Your story is told so beautifully! I could see it all in my head. You should write a book, you are so talented!

    Your baby is just gorgeous. Happy SITS day!

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  43. Oh boy did I cry. I'm so relieved to hear they were able to get him breathing! It took them a few minutes to get my son breathing, I was so stuffed up due to allergies and I couldn't hear a thing so I didn't know what was going on. You're little Hendrix is definitely a cutie!

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  44. Way to similar to my first birth experience. All's well that ends well and all that crap.

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  45. I have never read a birth story so heart rending and so beautifully written. Never. This simply blew me away. It's almost poetry in places.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal experience, and happy SITS day!

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  46. I love your writing. I cried the whole time.

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  47. Oh, my goodness! I'm so glad he's okay. How terrifying. Stopping by from SITS.

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  48. Wow. You write very well and like others, I was cativated all the way through. My husband left for work and I sort of said, "Ya, ya. Whatever. Bye." I was so into reading your story! What a beautiful, powerful, scary, sad and uplifting story all at once. I, too, am glad that your son is fine!

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  49. You have a beautiful way with words. Amazing story!
    (stopping by from SITS)

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  50. Visiting from SITS! I had to find part 2 of the story!

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  51. Thanks for sharing this beautiful, well-written story. It's so touching and raw.

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  52. Happy SITS day! That is the most gut wrenching and eloquently written birth story I've ever seen. Beautiful. I had obviously seen the pictures of your beautiful Hendrix but I was still holding my breath that he'd be okay! I'm off to snoop around some more and find out what other adventures you two have gotten yourselves into... and to practice my singing so I can one day have my baby recognize me by my voice. STUNNING!

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  53. This is such a beautiful story! You truly touched my heart.

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  54. Hello my Sitstah!
    Powerfully written post, and a beautiful baby.
    Glad I found you.
    I'll come back and visit :)

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  55. Reading this made me feel like I was right there with you. I felt your pain and your worry. I am so glad the story ended well.

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  56. Wow. What a story. You had me captivated from the beginning! I'm so happy that you had a happy ending there!!

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  57. My heart aches as I type this, for the pain you experienced, for the fear you must have known, and for the love that has overwhelmed you. What a strong voice you possess as a writer!

    So happy for your little family that Hendrix is now a healthy boy!

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  58. I seriously just realized i was holding my breath the whole time I read both stories. Wow your story was amazing. I'm so happy your boy is okay. That was beautiful.

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  59. So, so happy that this harrowing birth experience had a happy ending. You are an incredible writer!

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  60. Ok...I'm crying. I'm so sorry you went through that but so happy for you at the same time. *hug*

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  61. this story shook me to the bone and has me left in tears. beautiful. u put into words how i feel and how every mother must feel for her child. loved this. i just absolutely loved this.

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  62. Wow! Amazing. What a strong bond between mother and child! :)

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  63. Wow, such powerful words! Love your writing. So glad your precious boy is here today :)

    Happy SITS day!

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  64. Left me with chills and tears. I can only imagine your fear during those moments. After I pushed my daughter out, there was a split second where I heard nothing. I sat up immediately to make sure she was breathing. Alive. It was the biggest relief of my life to see my squirming, purplish little girl was OK. Blessings to you and your son. I'm glad he's ok too.

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  65. Wow! Like the above commenter said, such a powerful post. The part about going from a girl to a women completely resonates with me. When your child is born YOU are also born. The YOU you are supposed to be. Love it.

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  66. that was a beautiful story. i never pictured birthing as more than labor that i hoped i would never have to endure. but wow, this story really gave me another point of view of the connection between a mother and her child.
    Great story, i'm definitely going to keep reading tanks to SITS!

    xoxo,
    Sophie Gabe

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  67. Felt like I was reading a book, only the book is non fiction and there really WAS a baby involved. I'm glad baby Hendrix turn out ok. Looking forward to reading your blog. Happy SITS day!

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  68. I'm so glad that you had a happy ending to what was obviously an extremely scary birth experience. My youngest daughter was born at 26 weeks. It was a bit of a blur, and I was only able to see her for a moment. While I wasn't prepared--I was in shock at the events happening--I still knew from the first moment that I arrived at the hospital that I was going to encounter something difficult. I can't imagine what you went through with such a difficult deliver and then the waiting to see if he was okay. You are obviously extremely courageous. It's funny I say that though. People often said that to me and I never felt that way, but I suppose it's true. You just do what you have to do.

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  69. Isn't amazing how every birth story is totally unique, but also everyone has so many similiarities. Thank you so much for your story and for reminding of the miracles of my own children's births.
    Stopping by from SITS

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  70. AND this part ... totally made me cry. Beautiful words for such intensity. I am so happy it all turned out okay in the end. xo

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  71. Wow, such a powerful birth story. Thank you for sharing! and bringing that adorable baby boy into this world.

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  72. Crying. My labour was so very similar, my boy was in distress and really struggling to breathe, there were so many people in the room, I only got to kiss his forehead before they took him straight to NICU... didn't see him for 2hrs while they were fixing me.

    So eloquently described that anguish. Beautifully heartwrenching - you have such a gift for writing! I've never felt like I could to my birthstory justice if I wrote it. x

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  73. Wow, tears, girl!! What an amazing story!! and a precious miracle you have!

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