Excuse me but I've been a bit emotional the last day or so.
Who me? Emotional? Shocker I know..
I am busy planning Hendrix's 1st birthday.
and if that wasn't enough our dear friends John & Jody have welcomed their beautiful baby girl RoseLee into the world and well that just about done me over. Nothing tugs at the heart strings like a fresh out the oven bebe!
Happiest Birthday Wishes to that lil peanut!!
I am feeling very nostalgic for Henry's early days when I measured his existence in hours, days, and then even mere weeks.
I miss that fresh feeling of a brand new baby in my arms. The curled up body and that sweet baby's breathe. Oh god, I could have inhaled it all day every day.
Those first few rookie hours where you go from being a single gal to crossing over to motherhood are so overwhelming. The good kind of overwhelming.
All parents say it but really you have no idea...just no idea... how great it is. How sweet life can be. How profound.
I miss that newness. The hospital and the nurses. The late night feeding sessions and first times. It is all just a memory now.
The first few weeks of Henry's life were terrifying. I didn't get that joyous birth that I wanted and I remember walking from my room up to the NICU when he was just a day or so old and a father was bringing coffee into the room next door. A room filled with baby noises and happy grandparents and balloons. My room was empty and cold and lonely.
I honestly had been so overwhelmed by the entire experience up to that point that it hadn't even really occurred to me that the other babies were in with their Mama's and Papa's.
It hit me hard, that he was all alone.
I still hate thinking about it.
I crave that happy beginning to go along with our happy
Not even gonna lie...I am outright jealous. and yes, I am selfishly jealous for myself because I so so so wanted that "Happy Birthday" moment where they would place his gooey, squirmy body on my chest and my husband would swoop in and cut the cord but I am even more jealous for my son. Because he so so so deserved that
It's not fair. I struggle with that. even now. with the unfairness of it all.
Soon it will be time to celebrate his 1st birthday. This one? Oh, he will get that "HAPPY BIRTHDAY' moment. Mark my words...I mean, really, it is two months away and I have been planning/crafting/planningsomemore non stop...can you say obsessed??
I've told you all my birth story. But never what happened next. So here it is...
The morning after Hendrix was born. When I was finally able to come up and see my boy they wheeled me in a chair down that NICU hallway. The last room on the left. The sun poured in and there he was, under a blanket of wires and bleeps and looming machines, asleep on a table, lips puckered in a little O, lookin like an angel,and I nearly died with love. Crazy, undeniable, all consuming love.
and guilt. Guilt that he wasn't snuggled in the cloud covered blanket I had lovingly washed and packed away being drenched in kisses and happy tears from loved ones in our room down stairs while aunts and uncles sipped celebratory coffees and ate birthday breakfasts.
The nurse said "Oh, he was up earlier. I snapped a few pictures, he has blue eyes"
Talk about a slap in the face. She meant no harm I am sure but it hurt.
I wasn't there on his first morning awake.
I wasn't there to show him his first sunrise.
I wasn't the one snapping his first photos.
I wasn't there to discover his ocean blues.
Falling asleep in the maternity ward with a picture I didn't take of my newborn son taped to the hospital bed was by far one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I still struggle with it.
The fact is I can't change the past. I'm pretty good at staying positive and I have so much to be positive about. I got very lucky with this little man but...still...
As a parent...what do you struggle with?