Thursday, November 25, 2010
When Hendrix was on the table being resuscitated. I remember looking at him and thinking.
"This is it. He is going to die and I will always be that woman. I will always be grieving for every single second that I breathe. I will never be able to let go. The rest of my life will be defined by my grief. When people say things like "oh I never thought it could happen to me and then it did" I am going to be that woman."
I am thankful that I did not...DO NOT.. .have to be that woman. Because so many do. and I got lucky.
So thankful. So SO SO thankful.
and I'm burying it today. My anger and resentment and the loss of control I felt when my son nearly slipped away. I'm burying it because I don't have to hold onto it anymore. I get to move on. And I'm thankful.
I am thankful for a lot of things. I could list them. Sure, why not. and I don't mean to be heavy here but I think the thing I'm the most thankful for is the fact that I get to be thankful for the vain, trite, the easy.
I am so thankful that I get to be thankful for selfish things this year.
Yes, I am thankful that my son survived his horrible birth. I am thankful that my Mama's surgery went beautifully. I am thankful for my mother's amazing surgeon called on thanksgiving morning to check in on her because it made her smile, because it helped ease her spirit a bit, because cancer is scary and she makes it look so easy, because seeing my mom happy and comfortable the day after surgery is a lot easier to handle for all of us. But unlike last year, everyone is okay.
We are all okay. say it again.
WE ARE ALL OKAY.
So, I get to be thankful for things like gingerbread coffee, my love life, scrabble, and the fact that my boobs are still pretty darn perky after a year of breastfeeding.
I am thankful for spinach salads with walnuts, goat cheese, and cranberries.
I am thankful for my closet full of vintage lovelies.
I'm thankful for my favorite moccasins, breakfast in bed, and baby curls.
I am thankful that every night I have a warm little body to snuggle up next to, for his little hands that creeps up under the blankets and into my hair where they cling all night.
I am thankful that after it all, at the end of the day I have a clear enough head to know whats really important.
A lot of people go through this life never satisfied. Looking for bigger and better instead of savouring what is in the here and now. I know now that things are not always guaranteed. We are not all entitled to health or a home or warm food. and I'm glad I get to be a bit selfish and be thankful for the unimportant but at the same time I think the last year has made me wise enough to know none of that matters really.
So thank you to the universe for sending me some easy. some simple. some moments to breathe.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.