Lately, it feels like life is just moving super fast. It's funny cause when I first had you it felt like it stood still for a bit. I spent countless hours just starring at you. I mean that. Hours. I would hold you just so, this tiny little body, rising and falling on my chest, my breathing lulling you to sleep. The world spun around us but we stood still. In the eye of the storm, nothing but baby smell and deep breathing and your pursed lips while you slept. Sure, it was hard. The sleepless nights were rough but some of my best memories, not just from motherhood, but of my whole life were spent cradling you, my son, at 4 in the morning.
I don't know when it happened but someone pressed the play button and life was no longer on pause. We were off and running and now life moves so quickly. You never stop, work is busy, and the days move quickly. Late the other night, I dressed you in your PJ's and scooped my little boy up and we made our way to the bathroom. I grabbed your turtle toothbrush and mango orange toothpaste and said out loud without really thinking about it "we gotta buy you more toothpaste bud, this one's almost out" and it is so very silly but I was hit with a wave of sadness. This is the second tube of toothpaste you have gone through. On your own. Meaning that you have been alive long enough to use up two whole tubes and being that we only put this teeny tiny smidgen of paste each time it just seemed like a lot. How many other things had you gone through? There was a point where you hadn't even gone through a whole package of diapers or case of wipes. How many bottles of shampoo have I bought for you? Just how may times have we taken books out at the library together? Countless? That seemed so big to me. It means you have been alive so many moments that it is not even physically possible for me to store all the memories. This made me monumentally sad. I don't want to forget any of it. I wish I could keep them all.
After that I put you to bed and I lingered long after you had dozed off. You tiny arm wrapped around my neck and your beautiful smell and your deep breaths.
God, I love you so.
I've been very inspired lately to start to really soak up life. It just feels so short and I know that this time is fleeting. I started making a list of all the things i want to do before I die. Places I want to see, experiences I hope to have, and goals I would like to reach. I'm excited to start checking them off.
I can't wait to see what you will want to add to the list.
I love you,