Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dream a Little Dream....

Sleep Tight...

Since Hendrix was born I have been experiencing ridiculously vivid dreams. I find myself having the same few over and over again. The latest seems to visit me every single night and at this point in during the dream I can talk myself out of it and tell myself it isn't real. Last night however, during the scariest part, as usual I told myself not to worry, that it was all in my head, and I would wake soon but then I started to panic in my dream because I had convinced myself it was finally happening.

I told myself....

"How long did you think you could go before something really bad happened to him? It's only a matter of time."

I woke in a cold sweat.

The dream goes a little something like this...

I am in a car with Smoosh. Sometimes I am driving, other times I am in the passenger side, but always Smoosh is out of his car seat. He may be in my arms, laying on the backseat, or cooing at me from the ground by my feet. I notice he is out and I begin to panic. I know I have to get him in his seat. I grab him and start to get him into the back so I can buckle him in when I see a giant, massive, over sized truck headed straight for us. It fish tales and I scramble to get him back in before we are hit. Eventually I feel us flying through the air, I look and we are upside down. I know it is too late. I curl him up in my arms and look down and he stares up at me. Sometimes he smiles, other times he looks petrified but this is always the clearest point in my dream. Then we are flying off a cliff ala Thelma and Louise and I know we are going to die. If I haven't talked myself down and convinced my sleeping self that its fake and I'll wake to see my lil bon bon sleeping beside me, then this is the part where I lose it. I am crushed. My heart breaks in two. I feel this massive amount of regret for having him just to have him experience something so awful. The I feel so thankful to have had him in the first place, even if only for a short while. I think of my husband and my step-son and I cry over what they are about to go through.
Then I wake up.
I have this insanely long thought process in my dream.

How long can I go before something bad happens? Since when am I the worrying type? I'm all doom and gloom and morbid mommy. I worry incessantly about SIDS, car accidents, poisons, choking, suffocation...yaddah yaddah yaddah. You get the point.

I wish I could just relax but I'm so afraid of losing this child. I wonder if this is a result of his birth or if I'm just a worry wart, nervous mama by nature. How do I cure this? How do I get over those few minutes in my life where I was sure I my son would pass on? How do I push past it? I have never been so aware of what a scary world we live in. I need a pair of rose colored glasses ASAP.


  1. I felt the same way when Sebastian was born and for the first year I remember having horrible dreams. Then it all stopped and I became much more content and convinced that he was going to be okay. Then about 6 months ago it started again. I have horrbile dreams, day dreams, random thoughts. My Dad took Bastian to my Nana's for lunch today and picked him up from school. I tried calling to see how his day went (I have this never ending fear of him sitting alone in the classroom and him missing me because he feels lonely) but my Father didn't answer... I immediately pictured them dead in a car accident and literally cried. Bottom line is maybe it's just a Mom thing? maybe we all do it? although, I now picture the same things happening to Jose as well. I think we're just one of those people that are fortunate enough and appreciate the most important people around us. We're lucky. and loved. and we don't wanna lose it.

  2. My fears have abated some from when she was first born, but every so often it will hit me like a ton of bricks how precious and how fragile life is, and how overwhelmingly deeply I love her. This depth of feeling is something I might have brushed off or scoffed at before she was born, but I understand better now how fierce love can be. It's a deep but dazzling darkness.

  3. Have you talked to your OB about this its possible it could be postpartum anxiety? I don't mean it in any offensive way just a possibility, I was diagnosed with it after my second. I was having such irrational fears that something was going to happen to my little boy I kept thinking it was just normal to be overprotective and think the same way you are discribing. Now after my 4th I am so happy I got help when I did, you will miss so much if you let your overwhelming fear take over.