Dream a Little Dream....

Sleep Tight...

Since Hendrix was born I have been experiencing ridiculously vivid dreams. I find myself having the same few over and over again. The latest seems to visit me every single night and at this point in during the dream I can talk myself out of it and tell myself it isn't real. Last night however, during the scariest part, as usual I told myself not to worry, that it was all in my head, and I would wake soon but then I started to panic in my dream because I had convinced myself it was finally happening.

I told myself....

"How long did you think you could go before something really bad happened to him? It's only a matter of time."

I woke in a cold sweat.

The dream goes a little something like this...

I am in a car with Smoosh. Sometimes I am driving, other times I am in the passenger side, but always Smoosh is out of his car seat. He may be in my arms, laying on the backseat, or cooing at me from the ground by my feet. I notice he is out and I begin to panic. I know I have to get him in his seat. I grab him and start to get him into the back so I can buckle him in when I see a giant, massive, over sized truck headed straight for us. It fish tales and I scramble to get him back in before we are hit. Eventually I feel us flying through the air, I look and we are upside down. I know it is too late. I curl him up in my arms and look down and he stares up at me. Sometimes he smiles, other times he looks petrified but this is always the clearest point in my dream. Then we are flying off a cliff ala Thelma and Louise and I know we are going to die. If I haven't talked myself down and convinced my sleeping self that its fake and I'll wake to see my lil bon bon sleeping beside me, then this is the part where I lose it. I am crushed. My heart breaks in two. I feel this massive amount of regret for having him just to have him experience something so awful. The I feel so thankful to have had him in the first place, even if only for a short while. I think of my husband and my step-son and I cry over what they are about to go through.
Then I wake up.
I have this insanely long thought process in my dream.

How long can I go before something bad happens? Since when am I the worrying type? I'm all doom and gloom and morbid mommy. I worry incessantly about SIDS, car accidents, poisons, choking, suffocation...yaddah yaddah yaddah. You get the point.

I wish I could just relax but I'm so afraid of losing this child. I wonder if this is a result of his birth or if I'm just a worry wart, nervous mama by nature. How do I cure this? How do I get over those few minutes in my life where I was sure I my son would pass on? How do I push past it? I have never been so aware of what a scary world we live in. I need a pair of rose colored glasses ASAP.